It wasn’t that long ago that I found out that my MSIDS (Multiple Systemic Infectious Disease Syndrome) was a large contributor of my crazy dreams. Ok, I’ve always been a vivid dreamer but the past couple years my internal dream machine has been thrown into overdrive. My theory is that the more boring my life becomes because of this debilitating disease, the more my dreams try to make up for it! I’ll spare you the details. I need a switch to turn that stuff off!
I woke up this morning blogging in my head again. I’m trying to remember what exactly I said. Something about hatred. A friend recently posted on her Facebook wall about the nature of hatred. My takeaway was that hatred is when you wish something did not exist. Ah, that’s right, I was thinking about something I hated. Now what was it? Cicadas! Yes, I realized that I don’t actually hate Cicadas. I just hate their sound. If they could exist silently, I’d be a much happier person. I had this thought upon awakening because the constant ringing in my ears reminded me of Cicadas. 24/7 Cicadas. I do hate tinnitus.
I spend a lot of time talking about dreaming, waking up, and napping. I sense a theme, don’t you? My life revolves around sleeping. I tried to stay awake all day. I sat on my closet floor organizing clothes and stacks of paper that have been tucked away in bins for far too long. It felt good to take on a task. I keep hoping I’ll slowly declutter and clean this house inch by inch. After I quit my task (note, I did not say finish or complete my task) I went to run my bath water. I grabbed the bathroom cleaner and a sponge and scrubbed the baseboards and tiles as the tub filled. I didn’t even care that it made my body ache because I knew I’d be soaking in the tub. It occurred to me that this was a great way to get things done. I’m going to be more mindful about how I can accomplish tasks in small time fragments.
I caved by mid-afternoon and napped away the rest of the daylight. It was a good sleep at least. Now I am going to plan out the goals I’d like to achieve this week. I won’t schedule specific time for them as I can’t predict when I’ll feel up to the task. That just leaves me feeling tense, agitated, and frustrated. Instead, I’ll keep the tasks in mind and dedicate moments when I can.
It’s all going to come together! I just need to reframe how I view my life. Things can get done and I can feel useful again. It’s just a matter of readjusting my outlook. Wish me luck!
Melanie Ritchie 